Reality of Relatives

Surviving the holidays with your loved ones ... and maybe not so loved ones.

When you think of your family gatherings during the holidays, does your family resemble the Griswold’s? How about a Madea family reunion? Maybe your family is similar to the Huxtables or even the Cleavers. Whatever the family dynamic, we all have relatives - some, even though related by blood or marriage, we just may not want to take ownership of. However, during the holidays we find ourselves spending a good portion of the season with our best and most dysfunctional bunch. For many of us this can create a myriad of feelings ranging from mild stress to all out panic. Our relatives are REAL and the holidays are challenging enough as we juggle our work, activities, shopping and day to day family commitments. Throwing in the family social gatherings just may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back – you being the camel that is. So as the holidays quickly approach, how can we overcome the inevitable dinners and social gatherings that we will be invited to attend?

First of all, relatives are related by blood or through marriage only. This does not mean that we automatically love them or even like them. It may be hard enough just tolerating each other. Sometimes we feel a certain obligation to get along or like that person because after all they are “family”. Maybe in a perfect world, but we are not in a perfect world. Each of us are unique individuals with different interests, thoughts, religious views, and view of life in general. Just because Uncle Joe is your Mom’s brother doesn’t give him an automatic ticket to your love and affection. Understand that it is “OK” not to get along or even like another member of your family. Do you like everyone you meet at work, or that you meet in public? I am sure that is a definite “No”. So why then do we feel we must like or even get along with someone just because they are “family”? We don’t have to. Again, that is our choice. But because Uncle Joe is Mom’s brother and we know how much it means to her for him to attend the family gatherings we may feel a sense of obligation to be present for the holiday festivities. So remind yourself that just because certain individuals are considered family, there is more to the meaning of family than the relation by marriage or blood.

Second, take ownership of your feelings. Believe it or not, we have control over our emotions. How we respond to a situation is our choice and we can choose to allow it to anger us, sadden us, make us feel anxious or we can choose to have a positive attitude, carry ourselves with confidence and allow the joy of the season to fill our days. One way to do this is to get in touch and master our feelings. We have to understand how certain people or situations make us feel and prepare and train ourselves not to react, but rather respond with a conscious, chosen behavior. Take time prior to the occasion to prepare how you will interact with that individual or individuals. This will help you make the event enjoyable, even under the worse of circumstances.

Being conscious of our feelings and making a choice as to how we will respond takes some preparation and practice. Take some time prior to the event to sit quietly, with your eyes closed and envision how you see this event unfolding. Let the feelings flow through your body, both pleasant and unpleasant. How do you feel as you act out the event in your mind? When you begin to feel unpleasant feelings, stop and remember you have control and visualize how you might change the direction of the situation. Visualize yourself responding instead of reacting to the situation. When we respond vs. react, we are handling our emotions and communicating in a confident and controlled manner. This takes the power away from the
family offender and you maintain the control. As you visualize this new situation, what new emotions are you feeling? Take a few moments to allow your mind and body to take in the information. Depending on the situation, you may want to practice this several times before the upcoming event.

Third, plan some family fun games. We are never too old to play games. As a matter of fact, it may surprise you who has the most fun. One year my family played the “Who Am I” game. I am sure there is another name for it, but that is what we called it. One or two people take small pieces of paper and write a famous person or even a cartoon character’s name on it and stick it to each other’s foreheads of where they cannot see it. Everyone will have a piece of paper on their forehead, which is funny in itself because we all look a little silly. Everyone takes turns asking questions about the person stuck on their forehead until they figure out who they are. We have played this game several times and have found that even the most rigid of folk have a really great time. Funny too, because even those individuals we may not get along with turn into someone else as we are guessing their character and for a brief period of time may actually be enjoyable! There is a plethora of holiday games found on the internet. Do a search prior to your gathering and find some family fun!

Finally, set clear expectations. When you have been invited to a family get together, or any get together for that matter, set clear expectations with the host. Agree to attend, but state you can only stay for an hour or two because you have other commitments. They don’t have to know your plans, but by setting clear expectations, they will know ahead of time that you can only commit a certain amount of time to their event. This will satisfy the host that you are attending, as well as provide a way to leave early without making an excuse.

The holidays can be enjoyable with a little planning and a little practice in communication skill building (responses and setting clear expectations). Here’s to the happier holidays!